


Bottled-Up Tears

by Carmilla_Bunni



Category: Original Work
Genre: Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Other, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 02:44:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20038612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmilla_Bunni/pseuds/Carmilla_Bunni
Summary: A young girl who has been abused asks her babysitter if she wants to touch her. The babysitter comforts her.





	Bottled-Up Tears

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to writing something drawing from my trauma, instead of just the escapist fantasies I use to deal with it.
> 
> I never had a conversation like this, and I never asked an older person if they wanted to touch me.
> 
> This is just drawing from messy, complicated trauma feelings I'll never fully process.
> 
> I don't know if anybody will read this. Even if someone does, I don't know if they'll see value in it. I just wanted to make it.

"Do you want to touch me?" I asked, and the girl babysitting me almost spit out her cola. She was a high schooler, at my family's kitchen table, doing her math homework. I was laying on the couch, pretending to watch cartoons and feeling empty.

"Excuse me?!" I heard her sigh. Maybe she wanted me to take it back. Maybe she was hoping she misheard.

"You can touch me if you want. It's fine." I couldn't even be bothered to look at her as I said it. I can only imagine the expression she must have made.

My babysitter said nothing for a while, then took a deep breath and came over to the pale gray couch and sat next to me. I finally looked at her, and even I could tell how sad and worried she was.

"Penny, what's wrong? Why would you say something like that?" She reached out to put a hand on my shoulder, then stopped herself.

I looked back at the TV. "I dunno." I opened my mouth to say something else, but then closed it without saying anything more.. 

"Hey, you shouldn't say stuff like that. It's dangerous."

I wasn't sure how to reply. It's not like I didn't know it was dangerous, but... "Someone else did it before. So it's fine."

My vision blurred and the shapes on the TV screen became indistinct blobs of color and nothing more. I blinked my tears away and sat up, but I couldn't bring myself to look back at my babysitter.

She was at a loss. "Does your mom know?" she asked.

I nodded.

Again, she didn't know what to say. I don't know why. If she didn't know how to help, if she was afraid to ask more questions, or if she was just trying to be considerate.

In that awkward silence, I spoke up again. "I thought maybe if you did it I wouldn't hate it. Cuz you're pretty, and you're nice, and..."

I couldn't finish the sentence. My tears were flowing again and my chest felt twisted in a knot from trying not to cry. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to let myself cry. My whole body shuddered as I held back a sob.

In that moment, I suddenly felt her arms around me, holding me tight. "I won't do that to you. Never. But I will always, always hug you whenever you want it, okay? As long as you need."

Clinging to her shirt, I continued trying, in vain, to hold my tears back.

Eventually, exhausted from the effort, I fell asleep in her arms.


End file.
